Sharty Christmas

Well, if my birthday sucked, Christmas was the worst one of my life. I wish I could go into details as to why, but I just can't right now. They both sucked for a big reason though. Bah fucking humbug to the 100th degree. I tell the truth though and I must admit that for a minute, Christmas eve didn't suck.

I was broke. The HU SNG thing on FTP didn't work out, I snapped under the pressure. But I ended up dealing the G-spot, an underground G-vegas game, thereby aquiring the funds to buy Christmas gifts. I spent wednesday shopping. I even drove from G-vegas to Charlotte for a t-shirt. It was a specific t-shirt that I loved and just had to buy for Drew. Then, on thursday, I drove to columbia to see Drew and give her her gifts.

On the drive down, I was depressed as hell. I was thinking about everything you'd suspect from being lonely this holiday season to what my life could have been. I was sick of every CD that I own and so I tuned into talk radio and there was a Christmas show on. The guy was telling Christmas stories and playing Christmas music. He told a story of how a battle came to an abrupt halt on Christmas during WWI. He told of German troops hunkered down in long trenches exchanging fire with French and British troops in their own trenches. But suddenly, and I want to say at midnight but I'm not sure about the time, the German soldiers stopped shooting. Noticing that they were no longer taking fire, the British and French stopped shooting as well. The guy went on to tell about how the Germans started singing Christmas songs and I guess the message was that for a few hours, there was peace on Earth.

Now, whether or not the story is true is not the point. No, the point is that for a minute, I found something that I haven't felt in a few years and was sure I wouldn't feel this year. I found the Christmas spirit. Or rather, since I wasn't looking for it, the Christmas spirit found me. There I was, driving to columbia to have what little bit of Christmas I would have, and it found me.

I met Drew at Starbucks and we got coffee. Actually, she had a Caramel Apple Spice and I had coffee. I gave her gifts and she truely loved them, especially the t-shirt I drove 1.5 hours each direction to get. But I have this problem. Whenever I'm where I want to be, I can't stop dreading the coming of the end. We talked and we laughed and it was special and it was fun. I love Drew to death and that's what made it so hard to leave. After an hour and a half, she had to get back home for a Christmas gathering with neighbors. Wishing so badly that I could stay with her, I got in my car and headed back to G-vegas.

Luckily, I got my friend Mark on the phone and we talked about unrelated items and that kept me from sulking and sinking into a deep depression. Then I got home and watched Martin on DVD until I fell asleep. But as badly as I wanted to sleep straight through until saturday, I woke up Christmas day. Santa hadn't come. There were no gifts, no cards, no nothing. I went to Starbucks and played SNGs online until time to eat with my mom and then I went back to the G-spot and dealt until 5:00am. As sad as Christmas day was, I would not trade anything for the hour and a half I spent with Drew on Christmas Eve.

I'm stressed today, but there have been a few good developments. I made a little money on Christmas night and yesterday I drove back up here to Cherokee. I got a free room and at about 7:30 I sat with $100. At around 1:30, I got up with $585. So I am not broke at the moment. That feels good. I have a few bucks on FTP and the other day I turned 2200 FPPs on Stars into $44T and then into $110 in real money. I figure I'll play a little online to wake up, drink this coffee to cheer up, and then I'll get back to work in the poker room.

The anguish of the holidays is not over for me yet. I'll explain further very soon. It's not just about Drew, I can see Drew whenever I want. She geniuinely loves to see me and I can't even put into words how I feel about her. I do get down about not being with her for her entire life. And I do get down about not being able to see her every day. But I love the fact that we are now in each other's lives. She's very special and I could just listen to her talk for hours. She says so many things that are just like me. Like when she was astounded by the girl she was behind at the vending machine at school who was counting out pennies. "Who doesn't know the machine doesn't take pennies?!?," she asked and exclaimed. You would have had to hear her to get it, but she is JUST LIKE ME! She complains about the exact same things I do. She told me the other day that there was something inside her that won't allow her to stop and stand in the hall or in a walkway because she's aware that there are other people trying to get through and she was talking about the million idiots who seem so oblivious to this type of thing. Every single day I deal with the same idiots at Cherokee and every other damned place I go. God, I love Drew.

So I'm down but I'm not out. Yes, there are bumps in the road. Yes, I'm questioning things that I've so desperately wanted and stressed over for so long. Yes, I'm affraid now more than ever that things aren't going to work out. But let me tell you, if I haven't given up yet and put a bullet in my head, I never will. I'll continue to fight the enemy and I'll continue to fight to get myself to do what needs to be done. The coffee must be working because my spirits are lifting as we speak.

I actually hope everone out there had a better Christmas season than I did. And I shall hold on to hope that next year will be better.

God bless.

Happy Fucking Birthday

Well, it's that time of year again. Today is my birthday. I don't really make a big deal, or a deal of any size, about my birthday. But this year is the worst one I can remember. I'm not where I want to be and I'm certainly not doing what I want to be doing. Earlier in the year I had high hopes for this holiday season, but the shit just didn't pan out. I just got a text from Drew wishing me a happy birthday. Ok, it's a little better now.

This blog is whatever it is. Some people read it, I'm not sure why. I used to think it was entertaining because I was running free, living in the poker world, dealing with the everyday struggles of the underground G-vegas scene. Then I got to Vegas and the adventure really began. I had a story to tell and I even enjoy reading it myself. I'm not sure where this is going. Anyway, today I'm sitting in the very seat I was sitting in when I started this blog and wrote the very first post. I'm at Liquid Highway, downtown G-vegas. This place used to be Port City Java. It was a little better in those days, but this will do.

I was about to play online but I got a phone call that reminded me of just how lonely I am this Christmas season so I quickly plumeted into sadness. The music in here is sad as shit too so I guess I'll just spiral into a full blown depression. I'm struggling right now. It truely is tough in the streets.

Fuck my birthday.

Any Means Necessary

Ok, I love the Baby Jesus and everything, and happy birthday to him, but I simply am NOT in the mood for Christmas music this morning. It's playing here at Tribal Grounds Coffee. Where are my ear buds? There, Avenged Sevenfold and Hammerfall are a more appropriate choice at this moment.

My good friend TheDevil once told me that he believed that I enjoyed the madness and chaos of gambling myself out of money the day before the rent was due. I used to do that every month. And after he told me that, I began to think he was right. And I still do think that about back then. I believe the reason I started gambling in the first place was that I was searching for something in my life. I was lost and empty and I wasn't sure why, though now I think I know what it was I was missing. I also believe that by abusing gambling and subjecting myself to such misery and stress I was punishing myself. But things have changed since then.

I don't gamble anymore. Yes I play poker. But poker, for me at least, is a +EV proposition. Some of you may not believe that, but I now the truth. So why am I almost broke again? Yes, I'm almost broke. I'm not all the way broke, mind you, but my roll is circling the drain. So why then, if I'm a winning player, am I almost broke? I've been wondering the same thing. So I've explored the issue come up with some answers, and in so doing, I've come up with some solutions.

First off, the notion that I enjoy running myself to the brink of extinction just so I can work myself to death and get it together just before I reach the point of no return is just not true. It's not true anymore that is. I admit that it must have been true ten years ago when I was lost and gambling and I waited tables for income. But it's just not true anymore. If it were I'd go to the casino right this minute and slap what roll I have left down on the blackjack table, throw the objective of grinding out the window, and go for absolute broke. I haven't done that and I will not do that.

Next we'll get to the numbers. I keep accurate records of all my poker play. I don't record as many types of information as I should, such as hours at the table, but I keep track of every dollar that goes in and out. I don't keep records of life money, but I should do that too. The trouble with my records though is that I never look at them. I record my daily take and then the numbers just sit on a spreadsheet and are never studied or used for anything. But now that it's almost too late, I've calculated the numbers.

I first came to Cherokee on July 9th. I had $500 in my pocket and I sat down and upticked $136. The next day I made $44 and the next $307. I went on to make a win twelve days in a row and that's how this 20 week adventure began. 21 weeks have passed but I didn't play last week so these totals are for 20 weeks. It has been 5 months and the positve column in my spreadsheet adds up to $18,269. The column for losing days comes to a total of -$7655 which brings my grand total to $10,614. This number divided by 20 weeks gives me an average weekly profit of $530. As a side note, keep in mind that I NEVER bought in for more than $100 to start a session. In the beginning I wasn't getting as many free hotels though, and I also travled to Tunica once and West Virginia twice where I incurred hotel expenses. I have that under control now but the total spent on poker related hotels was $1924.38, mostly in the first few weeks. If we take that out of my profit we're left with a net of $8689.62, or a weekly average of $434.48.

So, if I'm bringing in money, why am I almost broke? If a guy budgeted his money properly, he could live on $434 a week. But I've never used a budget in my life. I know I need to, but I haven't done it. If a guy budgeted his time wisely, he could make more than $434 per week. I've never done that well either. So here is the problem. I spent more than $434 per week, and truth be told, I didn't play enough hours. Out of 140 days in those 20 weeks, I played only 97 days. Now that is almost 5 days a week, But I may have averaged 5 hours a day which means I only worked 24.25 hours per week. I try to not play when I'm stressed or mad or worried or hungry or whatever. In the name of bankroll preservation, I just don't play sometimes. Playing poker affords me the opportunity to work when I want, but frankly I can get quite lazy. But come on, 24 hours per week? What the fuck have I been doing? I should be putting in no less than 50 hours per week. If I did that, and even if my hourly went down and my take didn't precisely double, I'd bet I would have made an additional $300 per week. I may not have managed that $300 well, but that would have been an additional $6000 on my bottom line and even if I didn't have all of that right now, I certainly wouldn't be circling the drain as we speak.

So here's the thing. When I opened the spreadsheet, I was affraid to run the numbers because I was affraid I was gonna find out that I'm not the winning player that I believed I was. I just couldn't explain how I could be winning but be broke. But after I totalled it all out I was excited by my finding. I've often worried about whether there is even any money to be made in No Limit Hold 'em. Mike Matusow, a guy whose thoughts and opinons on the game of poker I greatly respect, has stated on many occasions that everybody knows how to play Hold 'em these days and there's no money to be made. With that statement I now have to disagree. I've been making consistent money at 1-2 NLH. I may be bad at managing time and life money, but my eyes are newly opened to a few key facts. I am not giving up. I am good at reading people, especially these moutain hicks in Cherokee, and I have what it takes to bring in the cash.

So what now? I know what I need to do. I know I need to work on self discipline. I need to spend less than I bring in at any cost. I need to keep track of the money I spend on food, gas, coffee and every damned thing else a guy on the road has to pay for. There are certain things I won't give up, I just need to get my ass into the poker room and stay my ass there for longer hours. I don't even have the money to play at the casino now, but I do have $350 on Full Tilt. My job for time being is to run that money up and cash out a stake for Cherokee. I have been working diligently on my HU SNG game and when I'm calm and I play slowly and deliberately, I crush the $11-$33 levels. I have a problem with hyperactivity and it comes out at its worst when I'm playing fast paced games. To combat this, I have the words "Slow" and "Deliberate" written on the desktop right next to the Full Tilt table. Good luck me.

If this doesn't work, and I go completely broke, God only knows what I'll do then. I don't know where I'd get a stake. This is about survival now. Please, wish me luck.

Kill by any means necessary
Win by any means necessary
Live by any means necessary
Die by any means necessary

Wintery Weather

Unfortunately, last night didn't go too well. If I'd only held as an 11.5-1 favorite for that $173 pot, it wouldn't be so bad. The girl called on the K high flop with QJ, no pair, no draw, unless you call running diamonds a draw. What more can I ask for?

Fortunately, on the other hand, today has to be better. It's always a nice surprise to show up at the coffee shop, order my drink and have it be free. See, every tenth drink is free. On top of that, there's snow on the tress. There's not too much on the ground, everything's just wet. There are also tiny flakes of snow swirling around in the brisk air. It's still overcast and gray, which is a big plus as well. Sure, my head hurts and I'm all stuffy, but by many indications, today will be a better day.

I'll sit here for awhile and play online while looking out the window, and later I'll show up to work. I just need a hand or two to hold. I wish I had more to say today, but it's just the same old doodoo, plus the wonderful, wintery weather.